Save For College or Future Therapy?

Ever feel as though you're screwing everything up? What's worse is do you ever feel that you're screwing up your kids?

Logan's only concerned with what's fun and has started being disrespectful. Yesterday I got a bag of M&Ms and split it between all of them for a treat. I put a small pile at each of their spots at the table. Situation controlled and contained, so I thought. Logan grabbed all his in his hand and was standing rather than sitting as instructed. His M&Ms started dropping and I said sit down with them. Yet I kept hearing that ping ding sound of them dropping on the table. After about four times of hearing those little suckers dropping and bouncing on the table I turned and said, "so help me if I hear just one more drop"! I watched him out of the corner of my eye and saw him take one, hold it about an inch above the table and drop it. I whipped my head around and told him to throw them away, he was done. He of course started to cry about it...he had to throw away his greatest love in this world...sweets. I asked him why he did it and he said to be a smart aleck. I then asked him if it was worth loosing his snack...he paused for about a minute and finally said no. I'm constantly telling him to do something and he waits until I'm going ballistic on him to do it. Where did my little boy who listened to me go? He thinks because he's turning 10 next month that he'll be a pre-teen. Well, he's certainly acting like one.

Deb was always so quiet and sweet. Very giving to her siblings and she's even changing into a strong willed spirit. She's started to roll her eyes when I tell her to do something and will lie when confronted with any bad behavior. She says she wants black hair with purple streaks. God please don't let my little girl turn into a british grunge rocker. Where did my sweet, always did what she was told little girl go?

Jeremiah as of late hasn't been giving me too much trouble, just mainly at clean up time. He's thankfully still at that I love you mommy and want to cuddle with you stage. I have more of a knack with younger kids then older ones who are starting to turn into people.

Now Evie on the other hand, if the Bible didn't specify that the anti christ will be male, I would be worried. She is evil. Well, evil might be a bit too harsh, but she is definitely naughty. Very naughty. I'm constantly having to make sure she doesn't wander out of my sight into another room. As soon as she knows mama's not looking...watch out. She's started to use the potty and on the back of the toilet I had a decorative candle thing with little stones in it. Key word is had. She flushed most of the little stones. An other time she went into the kids bathroom and got the bottle of conditioner and started squirting it all over the floor in the hallway. I heard this deep farting noise coming from back there and thought boy one of the kids is really ripping it up back there, but no it was her with that bottle. The hallway definitely smelled nice for a while. She makes me worried what's going to happen when she gets older. Maybe I'll get lucky and she's just getting her badness out now. I hope.

Having four little people has definitely been a challenge as of late. I've been growing very tired feeling and weary lately with all of them. How do I nip all this bad behavior in the bud? Is giving spankings and other punishments enough or am I missing something? I get very down when my kids display less than admirable traits. I feel like their future is doomed because of all this crap. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from these kids, perhaps I'm not expecting enough. Should I put the fear of God in them and turn into a military mom? What does God expect of me as a mother? Do I have any control over the way they behave? All good questions huh? Instead of saving for their college years I'm beginning to think saving for their future therapy they're going to need would be much wiser.

I'm screwing them up people!

Online Connection

We were talking about the benefits and flaws of things like facebook and other online means of communication last night at small groups. Things like facebook can be superficial at times cause we can have "friends" on there we're not really friends with. We post our best pictures and write what few impressive things that are going on in our lives. We paint the perfect picture for those who care to look. Maybe that's why I like blogging so much. It's my online journal I use as an outlet for my thoughts, revelations and yes my weirdness to flow free. It's also there for the people who want to know me better and keep up with what's going on in my life.

I'm personally thankful for my "online" life. After I sent my first e-mail to my one friend a little while back she e-mailed me back and officially welcomed me to the world of online communication and I am now officially addicted. Just yesterday I was having a blah day, and e-mailed four of my closest friends about having a day of the blahs. I got an e-mail back from each of one them either saying me too or come over for coffee a.s.a.p. For me just seeing them once a week at church isn't enough. I want to know what their weeks are like and what's going on in their lives. It made me feel good to see that the blahs of everyday life isn't something restricted to just me. We go through the same kind of stuff. I want to be able to encourage my friends and support them and I can't do that if I don't know what's going on in their lives. I'm a sappy friend.

One of the things I'm really thankful for as of late in my "online" life is my reconnection with my brother in New Zealand. It's been approximately 3-4 years since I've seen him and has been great catchin up. Last night I was chatting with both him and his wife and was nice talkin to her. I don't know her very well but am hoping through this magical world of online chatting that will change, after all through my brother she's my sis now. Doesn't hurt that they make good lookin babies like their lil sis. Hee-Hee. Already wanting to plan a trip over there to see them both and by then both my little nephews. Hang in there girl, it's almost over. Look out Mom...might need a sitter. Hee-Hee ; }

Computers are an amazing thing to use for keeping up wid all yo peeps. I just got an e-mail last night about my one friend whose baby is in the hospital with RSV really bad. I wouldn't have known if not for that e-mail. Evie had that as a baby too and as bad as it was she didn't need to be hospitalized. I can only imagine how scared she must be for little Tucker. Prayin for you girl.

There's one good thing about my online connections...it's keeping me off E-bay! Jim pretty happy about that. I do however have $2 in e-bay bucks expiring soon and have had my eye on another set of Currier & Ives glasses. ; }

White Trailor Trash

Do you ever sit back and look at your life to see perhaps what those around you see? What friends, neighbors, or even random passerby might see. Well I do. Every now and again I put myself through the torture of this mindless mental wondering. Superficial wondering because it usually never deals with the things that really matter.

Let me further explain my ramblings. I was out getting my hair cut by this very nice lady who runs her shop out of her house...her nice house...her nice house in a development. She asked where we live and I of course said Pine Creek which then caused her to ask, "Oh did you build out there"? This is where my skill of being honest without divulging too much truth comes in very handy. I said we rent a "place" out in Pine Creek...not trailor but place and then I prayed to God she didn't ask me where in Pine Creek. Eveybody knows the trailor court by the trading post of course. Thankfully she didn't though. Four kids, two adults and one dog -  two cats crammed in one trailor. Reicks of white trash doesn't it.

So, I've established we live in a trailor, but unfortunately there's more. Right now as I sit writing this post...towards the end of February... I have a skating rink in my front yard. A skating rink you ask? Yes, a skating rink that was at one point a place of summer fun for my kids. Haven't guessed yet? It's our $100 Walmart pool. You know, the ones with the blow up rings that rise as you fill it. Yeah, that's what we've got and now instead of my kids diving into it they skate on it. They don't realize it now, but someday in the future they will look back and say, " Mom...Dad...that was so white trashy." Well I guess one plus is this summer we won't have to put it back up....cause it's already there!!!

Another good example is how every time my kids get out of our van some where I'm terrified that they're going to knock garbage out onto the ground for everybody to see. Can you imagine? Scenario - We've just arrived at church Sunday mornin...the kids all bull their way out of the van like there's a fire inside and out comes a two week old McDonald's cup and starts rolling down the parking lot. This scenario is so absolutly possible of happening it's scary.

Next example is...Jim had off today and took me to the thrift store to see what little treasures I could find. To my absolute ecstatic surprise was the last few weeks worth of "People" and "Star" magazines. Eeeeeee! I don't normally treat myself to this guilty pleasure when at the grocery store because as trashy as these magazines may be they are expensive. So, I of course immediately grabbed them as if someone was going to come along and swipe them before I had a chance to. THEY WERE MINE. (Another guilty pleasure : The Insider and Entertainment Tonight. Jim calls it my trailor trash T.V.) I did find a couple of other trinkets but they were definitely my big find. What's really sad is instead of paying a quarter for them I probably could have just gone to the recycling bin and got some for free, but I consider that to be dumpster diving and I'm above that. (be quiet Tina, shhhh)

Last example, my brother and his wife called yesterday and they were going to come out. I of course went into a mad dash to tidy up. I made Jim go clean up the porch a little and throw out the pumpkin that's been sitting and rottin since October!!! Did I mention it's now towards the end of February? October...pumpkin...February...Trailor trash.

Sorry, I have one last example...my blog post "Monkey Pits".

Good day to you .

Monkey Pits

Do you ever feel like if some ridiculous is going to happen to a person it's going to happen to you? Maybe that's a prideful way of looking at it, but I swear it's true.

The other day while talking with a friend ( who shall remain nameless ) was telling me about the hair removal cream Veet. Shaving irritates her skin like mine and said that Veet is great. So the next time I was at CVS I looked for it and even found it to be on sale for 50% off! I got it. A few days later I finally decided to use it. I did my legs first and it worked great. Then I used it on my pits. After I put it on I started to feel a little tingling, which I didn't think much of at the moment. By the time the 3 minutes was close to being up it had gone from tingling to burning and I thought, "hmm" I'd better take it off. When I used the scrapie thing to take it off, my pits went from being normal ( and extremely hairy ) to red and welted (but hairless I must say). I did this right before bed and by the time I woke up the next morning the pain was unbearable. I had given myself a severe chemical burn. After I got the kids off to school I decided to put some cream on them. I couldn't find the cortisone but had benadryl cream. I put it on and after a few seconds it started to feel like I had put Vick's vapor rub on them. I laid on the couch with my arms above my head literally trying not to cry. For the rest of the day I walked around with my arms bowed out like a monkey. The sad thing is I did this to myself.

All that day I went bra less. I couldn't stand anything touching or rubbing any where near that area. So there I am wearing a shirt 3x's too big - I think there was even a big grease stain on the front of it - my hair was put up because it was all frizzy from not straightening it that day and with it put up like that it looked kind of like an Afro. The only thing I needed to make my look complete would have been smudged mascara from the previous day. Now, wouldn't you know that would be the day I would get a knock on the door. I never get anybody at the door here. I of course had no time to run and put on a bra so I go to the door and open it like 4 inches with my arms crossed over my chest to hide the 8 balls in tube socks hanging under my shirt. To make it even worse the person at the door was a middle aged man from DC NR looking all strapping in his uniform with his badge blinding me from the sunlight reflecting on it. I stood there squinting from the blinding light coming from his badge as I tried to muster up the cutest face I could as I said , "hello". But there was no saving this situation. It was what it was for him to plainly see. He was just looking for some road and thought this road we're on was it. Now, out of all the homes on this lane what was it about ours that made him say to himself, "I'll go ask this one". I'm going to go get the biggest "Do Not Trespass" sign I can find. I don't care how tacky it'll look. I might even top it off with a "Beware Of Dog" sign even though our dog isn't vicious. Can't be too careful you know. Out of all the days to come to my door...he couldn't have come the day before when I had my hair and makeup done while wearing clothes that fit with no grease stains or chemical burns?! Why????

I've joked around about going to all the major networks to pitch them a show about the ridiculous stuff that happens to one stay at home mom. I seriously think it would be a hit.

Are We Mice or Are We Men

I've been thinking about my prayer life alot lately and had a time recently when trying to pray feeling overwhelmed with my undeservingness. It was to the point where I couldn't continue praying - I just walked away so to speak. I got to thinking how many times when I pray do I remind God of the fact that I don't deserve anything from Him. I'd either start my prayer with "Lord I know I don't deserve" or I end my prayer with this plea. Why I began to wonder are we like that. Does God really need to be reminded of this fact and why do feel the constant need to do so? Over the past few days God has shown me a couple reasons why...at least in my own life.

One reason He showed me is that I don't trust Him to help me and answer my prayers. I feel the need to present myself to Him in the most pathetic and pitiful state as to convince Him to help me. I felt unless I convince Him to help me He won't. I mean boiled down that was my attitude towards Him. The second reason is by presenting myself in this way I felt I was being humble - which He has shown me is a false sense of humility. How does wallowing around in the person I was before He made me into this new creation bring Him honor? Don't get me wrong we are always to be thankful for all that He has done and is doing in our lives, but I believe this can be done in a way that brings God glory and strengthens us.

God brought to my remembrance a couple scriptures concerning this. Heb.4:16- Let us then fearlessly, confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in good time for every need. Also Isaiah 40:27-28 Why, O Jacob, do you say, and declare, O Israel, my way and my lot are hidden from the Lord, and my right is passed over without regard from my God? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, does not faint or grow weary; there is no searching for His understanding. In verse 14 in the following chapter, God refers to Jacob as a worm! How many times have I come to God as a worm? He says confidently and boldly come to me.

Now as for this false sense of humility. If it's not humility then what is it? This false humility of being undeserving keeps us from receiving from God. Pride has no problem giving it does however have a problem with receiving. True humility is able to receive. Satan's a tricky son of a beach - he deceives us into thinking we're being humble when in reality we're being the complete opposite.

As for this spiritual worminess. We've all heard the illustration or word picture of the reason we at times don't feel or see God is because our backs are turned away from Him - not that He's not there. I think the same could be said for the reason we don't see or feel Him is because we're looking down. God is not in our "spiritual" feet. Why do we have such a hard time believing that God answers our prayers and gives to us simply because He wants to. He tells us that even the evil man gives good gifts to his children...how much more will he give to us? Now yes, I don't deserve God's salvation or grace, but this fact should bring thankfullness not "worminess". Our prayers should begin with that thankfullness and with the confidence that comes from the realization that it is no longer I that lives but Him that lives with in me. We do not deserve Christ's redeeming blood but through it He has made us deserving because of Christ's life in us.

Conclusion, let us lift up our heads and look into the face of our God...our Father. Let us draw near to Him in confidence through the realization that He has taken away our undeservingness and stop reminding Him of who we were before we had Him in our hearts.

Pet Peeves

We all have our own little quirks about us don't we? There are a few superfical things in this life that really burns my britches.

One of which is people who wash and reuse disposable baggies. Why???? You're supposed to throw them away. For God's sake for $3-$4 you get like 30 of them. How many times have you gone to someone's house and there sitting in their dish drainer is a baggie turned inside out over top of a glass to dry? If you have nothing better to do with the precious time you have on this earth than to wash baggies then you seriously need to re-evaluate your life!

Next is people who chew with their mouths open. Yuck!!! I don't want to see it let alone hear it!!! Which brings me to a story of personal weakness. Back when I used to attend Mops there was this one woman who started coming and I'm ashamed to admit that the very sight of this woman made me cringe. At one meeting she of course decided to sit right next to me during the beginning of the meeting where we are all sitting around in a circle. We of course had our plates of food and were eating during the announcements. This woman ate like a cow...no wait...worse than a cow...even a cow would be like - what the! Then as the coordinater was making the announcements she started...with her mouth agape with half masticated brunch rolling around in it...she started making all these noises every time something was said. The poor coordinater couldn't even get through one sentence without this woman going...oh...uh-huh...hmmmm...yeah. Every time time she would make one of her little ooh's or aah's she would then whip her head over and look at me, all while chomping away. Every time she would whip her head over at me I just kept looking forward and ignoring her, but I can still feel her gaze out of the corner of my eye to this day. It makes me shudder. I sat there wondering how would Jesus be reacting if He were sitting next to her. I like to think He would be just as annoyed as I was. All this of course did not help the feelings I had towards her.

The next meeting after that didn't help either. I was in the Weis parking lot trying to find a spot across from the church that wasn't two miles away, and then I found one. But I had to loop around to be able to pull in and as I was approaching the spot this mini van whipped right into my spot! Needless to say I said a very colorful word and found another spot which was of course two miles away. As I was unbuckling kids out of their seats I see that mini van that stole my spot and you'll never guess who I saw getting out of that mini van? It was herrr! The ooh-ahh...chomp-slirp-chomp woman. At that moment my distain for this woman grew even deeper. I prayed, "God help me with this mannerless, attention seeking, mentally not all there woman". Can anyone out there relate?

Driven To the Point of Hypocrisy

I decided yesterday to make up a nightly schedule for me and the kids to follow. Things have been going kind of crazy with Jim being gone at work so much and I thought a schedule might help.

This is what I came up with.

3:45-3:50/arrive home from school
3:50-4:30/snacktime-t.v.time
4:30-5:00/homework time
5:00-5:30/put laundry away-clean room-chores
5:30-6:00/supper time
6:00-6:30/excercise time (logan's been wanting to loose weight)
6:30-7:00/showers
7:00-7:30/reading-studying time
7:30-8:00/Bilble reading-prayer time
8:00-8:30/brush teeth-wash face-go potty
8:30/Bedtime

It all went so well last night following the schedule. Even the kids seemed to like knowing exactly what to do during the evening hours. Oh how I love structure!

Like I said it all went well.....up until Bible reading and prayer time. There was a monkey wrench in the whole thing...and that monkey wrench is named Evie. Everybody was sitting either on the couch or love seat so everybody had their own space. Well Evie thought it would be a good idea to start jumping and body slamming everyone. Did I mention what we were reading and discussing? It was love. I've been tired of how everybody treats eachother around here. So I thought that would be a good place to start. So there I am reading verses on love pausing every few seconds to scream at Evie. Finally I had enough and I took her by the hand (while still screaming at her) back to her room and shut the door. I then return to my place on the couch after my tirade and said in my sweetest voice, "o-kay, so love is patient and kind and treats each other with love no matter how the other person is acting." Do you see the hypocrisy I'm getting at?

Well at least the whole thing wasn't a bust....at the end we wrote down prayer requests for each other to pray about. I thought one way to show our love for each other is to pray for each other. Good idea Becky...yeah me...NOT. Now that I'm done patting myself on the back...one of Deb's requests was to stay safe. I asked her if she worries about that and she said she worries sometimes that something bad is going to happen to her. What's really sad is I had absolutly no idea she had these kind of fears. How horrible to be constantly afraid something bad is going to happen to you. Well it kind of fit in to what we were talking about...I was taught that the opposite of love is not hate but fear. So boiled down her prayer request is to have God's love grow in her beceause that's what will replace her fear. That's a lesson I need to learn as well. Out of the mouth of babes.....

The Power of the Shroom

I discovered something very interesting today. I was doing some laundry I was backed up on and moved a pile of dirty clothes on the floor by the washer. To my amazement there where the wall and floor meets is this thing that looks like a cream colored carnation. What could it be..... I'm so very proud to announce that my housekeeping skills have produced an enviroment that successfully grows shrooms. Yes, you read right, I have a shroom growing on the inside of my house. Their must have been a damp towel or something in that wonderful pile of laundry.


This all takes me back to a time in my teenage years when I still lived at home with my parents. We had sliding glass doors in the shower at that house and they had the tendacy to leak a little. Well where the corner of the tub met the floor there would be a shroom that would appear every now and again. Now this one didn't look like a carnation but had a long skinny stem with the normal shroom hat. It was almost kind of cute. It most times would appear over night and we would find it in the morning. We would of course get rid of it until one day I somehow convinced my mother to leave it go and see how big that puppy would get. It was my own personal science experiment. I think I might have even named it but I don't remember, I'll have to call my mom and ask her. I think we let it go for a good couple weeks and then one morning I went in the bathroom and to my amazement it had siblings. You can imagine my excitment of course. I was aiding in the growth process of a Life....and it was now multiplying. Well, it wasn't too much longer my mom couldn't stand it anymore and said we were having company over and I had to get rid of it.


My new little pet I discovered won't have a chance to flourish in this case with small children and everything. I am however making homemade pizza for supper. I wonder......Nah, I'd better not.

Looming Fear of Rejection

Oh boy, Rejection, that's a dirty word. How many people live in fear of it? (I'm raising my hand right now) Everybody's reason behind their fear of rejection is probably different.

What's mine you inquire? Well, I'm glad you asked cause I'm going to tell you anyway. For a long time I've been searching for what I refer to as an "old time religon". That church hymn is playing in my head right now. I don't mean the "religon" that our granparents or even great-grandparents had. You know what I mean - the old hymns, big flowered hats, and being preached about the sins that take place 10 miles out that dirt road where they play cards and drink beer. I'm thinking more along the lines of the early church that started shortly after Christ's departure from this world. You know back before we as man had a chance to screw it all up. I've been thinking alot lately how different we do things today concerning the "church". (Which by church I mean the body of Christ)

For example when the early church would meet together it would be in each other's homes. What would they do? My recent thoughts concerning Bible studies and such following up one of my previous blogs Principles vs. Fellowship is this. Which in God's eyes is more spiritually to our benefit? When we get together with our Bible's, study books, and highlighter pens ready to go or when we get together and just simply fellowship together? During Bible studies many times we are just throwing around our bright ideas concerning God and His word and have our notebooks which we've written all our bright ideas in. It makes us feel so spiritual to sit with our Bible and all our notes and "Discuss" it all with each other.

Now on the other hand when we get together for the pure and simple reason of fellowshipping with each other what happens? We are real with eachother (for the most part). We are discussing our struggles and trials and are uplifting each other and encouraging each other. I think the Bible refers to that as exhortation. Where one or two are gathered in My Name there will I be. (I'm not sure I'm quoting that exact) Do our Bibles have to be opened in order for it to be "in His name"? I've honestly felt more spiritualy uplifted by having fellowship with a good Christian friend over a cup of coffee then I have sitting in a Bible study. When we're just being together often times doesn't our life with Christ become our topic in one way or another? And we're real about it. How many times have we been in a study and there's been somebody there we don't know and they never say anything during the study and then they leave. We didn't get to know anything about them. We were to busy being "spiritual". By having fellowship with one another we know how to help each other, pray for each other. We're not sitting in class so to speak learning how to be good Christians, we're learning by simply being.(on the job experience) I don't mean to put down Bible studies so much, but I want to be taught by somebody who's had that "on the job experience" to do so.

These are just some of the things I've been thinking about. So what does any of this have to do with my fear of rejection? I'm afraid the closer I become with Christ and the more He teaches me the difference between religon's way of doing things and His way alot of people may not like it. How many of my friends would be offended by what I wrote above I wonder? I've seen what my father had to endure in the past at the "hands" of other Christians who liked their religon's way of doing things. At one church when we left the pastor announced from the pulpit that the devil had left the church. Ouch! I'm not saying all my Christian friends are going to start calling me the devil, but I'm afraid they'll reject me in one way or another. I'm probably not giving them enough credit but who ever said fears are rational.