Monkey Pits

Do you ever feel like if some ridiculous is going to happen to a person it's going to happen to you? Maybe that's a prideful way of looking at it, but I swear it's true.

The other day while talking with a friend ( who shall remain nameless ) was telling me about the hair removal cream Veet. Shaving irritates her skin like mine and said that Veet is great. So the next time I was at CVS I looked for it and even found it to be on sale for 50% off! I got it. A few days later I finally decided to use it. I did my legs first and it worked great. Then I used it on my pits. After I put it on I started to feel a little tingling, which I didn't think much of at the moment. By the time the 3 minutes was close to being up it had gone from tingling to burning and I thought, "hmm" I'd better take it off. When I used the scrapie thing to take it off, my pits went from being normal ( and extremely hairy ) to red and welted (but hairless I must say). I did this right before bed and by the time I woke up the next morning the pain was unbearable. I had given myself a severe chemical burn. After I got the kids off to school I decided to put some cream on them. I couldn't find the cortisone but had benadryl cream. I put it on and after a few seconds it started to feel like I had put Vick's vapor rub on them. I laid on the couch with my arms above my head literally trying not to cry. For the rest of the day I walked around with my arms bowed out like a monkey. The sad thing is I did this to myself.

All that day I went bra less. I couldn't stand anything touching or rubbing any where near that area. So there I am wearing a shirt 3x's too big - I think there was even a big grease stain on the front of it - my hair was put up because it was all frizzy from not straightening it that day and with it put up like that it looked kind of like an Afro. The only thing I needed to make my look complete would have been smudged mascara from the previous day. Now, wouldn't you know that would be the day I would get a knock on the door. I never get anybody at the door here. I of course had no time to run and put on a bra so I go to the door and open it like 4 inches with my arms crossed over my chest to hide the 8 balls in tube socks hanging under my shirt. To make it even worse the person at the door was a middle aged man from DC NR looking all strapping in his uniform with his badge blinding me from the sunlight reflecting on it. I stood there squinting from the blinding light coming from his badge as I tried to muster up the cutest face I could as I said , "hello". But there was no saving this situation. It was what it was for him to plainly see. He was just looking for some road and thought this road we're on was it. Now, out of all the homes on this lane what was it about ours that made him say to himself, "I'll go ask this one". I'm going to go get the biggest "Do Not Trespass" sign I can find. I don't care how tacky it'll look. I might even top it off with a "Beware Of Dog" sign even though our dog isn't vicious. Can't be too careful you know. Out of all the days to come to my door...he couldn't have come the day before when I had my hair and makeup done while wearing clothes that fit with no grease stains or chemical burns?! Why????

I've joked around about going to all the major networks to pitch them a show about the ridiculous stuff that happens to one stay at home mom. I seriously think it would be a hit.