There can be a lot of confusion surrounding the cause for clinical depression, especially for the person who's been diagnosed with it. I struggled when I was first diagnosed because I remember from when I was a kid sitting in church and hearing the pastor say that depression is a sin. He said if you're right with God you won't be depressed. Poppy Cock! Certainly there can be adverse affects to being out of fellowship with God but I don't believe it is as clear cut as that or black and white concerning this subject. Needless to say I struggled with guilt when I finally broke down and went on medicine. Since then I've realized that if I have a migraine I take medicine for it and taking medicine for my depression is no different. Now, I don't like the fact that I have to be on medicine to function normally just as I wouldn't like having to take medicine for migraines on a regular basis either. Suffering is a funny thing...it breaks down all walls and resistance to the point you're willing to do anything to get better. That was the point I reached a year ago. On the way to the psychiatrists I was actually hoping he was going to put me in the hospital because just the thought of having to go home and deal with everything was more then I was capable of at that point.
Slowly but surely after being put on a different and much stronger form of medication, I got better. Things have been relatively normal since then ...until. Lately I've been stressed to the point of daily headaches and by night time migraines. This morning I woke up with my jaw having a sore tired feeling like I was clenching it all night in my sleep. Perhaps the stress of the day is carrying over into my sleep and I am very well doing that. My friend suggested getting a mouth guard for at night. Maybe then I would be able to tell whether or not I'm clenching my jaw. Besides the headaches has been fatigue. All I want to do is sleep. Now I'm a person who naturally loves sleeping. I love sleeping in and taking naps. When I wake up it's with the question of, "when can I do that again?". The problem is I'm feeling the need to do it more then usual. Perhaps I physically have something going on causing me to be more tired, but I tend to think that stress has been the main culprit.
Jim's job has relieved some financial stress that we were having for a long time from when he was working at the steel mill, but because of the long hours and weeks he works it has caused other stress. We all know how draining just one small child can be, but when you have four starting at the age of ten going down to two, that's a lot at times. Most of my friends have four of their own and can relate. What I've found in myself is that when I get stressed it affects my depression. If not kept in check, it's what can cause a "relapse" of sorts. I am now at a place where I feel myself slipping and need to do something about it now before it gets bad. I am willing to do just about anything to make sure a relapse doesn't occur. Being with the kids so much without the help of my other half has been quite challenging at times. I'm currently reading The Strong Willed Child by Dr. Dobson, which has helped give me some insight into disciplining and how to's. It has helped as I've implemented some of the things I've been learning. The problem is that I'm at a point of being burned out. I need to get my strength back and learn how to deal with the stress that life and children bring. There are some things I can do to cut out stress in my life, but unfortunately not all stress can be alleviated. Stress is part of life no matter how many kids you have, how much money you make, and how much you drink ;-) I need to find a way to cope while getting my umph back at the same time. I have no other options. Kids can't go away for a while for me to recoup and I can't go anywhere away from them for a period of time either.
I try to make the most of Jim's days off to recoup as much as possible before he goes back to the grind. Like today, Jim had off today and goes back to work tomorrow. After I got up and got the kids off to school I asked Jim if I could go back to bed for a little while and sleep in. He was so sweet to oblige me in this request. I went back to sleep at 8am and didn't get up again until 11am. I haven't slept in that late since I worked second shift years ago. It was so nice. Later He shoved me out the door to go get my hair cut cause he knew I've been wanting to. He's tries to do his best to give me time off when he has off. That's the biggest thing I miss with him working so much...his support.
Besides sleeping in and getting my hair cut, I was able to give a gay man inspiration today. There was a male stylist working at the salon I went to and by his demeanor he seems to be a very "happy" man. He saw the gray streaks in my hair and freaked at the fact that they are natural. He said OMG and that he has some stuff at home to put gray streaks in his hair and I've inspired him to go home and finally do it. How special!
Well, as for recovering from the damage stress has caused, the one thing I know to do is rely on the One who's strength is revealed and shines through my weakness. His strength doesn't fail and doesn't pick up where mine leaves off...it is the only strength I should rely on and use. It's what causes me to get up each morning and just get dressed, cause some days I struggle with having enough strength of my own to just do that simple task. I'm trusting that He will help me grow even closer to Him, teach me how to rely on Him even more, and keep me from going to my "Bad Place".
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| My 2-3 inches shorter new do. |
Girlfriend, You need playdates! They are for both the kiddos and the Mamas! When my kids were little I thought I was going nuts. John worked ALL the time and when he wasn't working he was doing whatever else needed done.
ReplyDeleteOnce I made a comment about " it takes a village" to raise a child. I think someone called me a communist. But really, You need a break, you need to laugh and relax. We had a group of six moms we got together once a week. we met at parks and each others house. We brought kid snacks and Mommy snacks. The kids played we chatted. Some of my best memories are those playdates. Mom's tend to allow themselves to become hermits, we forget to ask for help because we somehow think we need to do it all ourselves. There have been many times I have felt myself slipping into nothingness and my girlfriends have been there to pull me up. If you're having a bad day give me a call. Trust me My best friend became my friend because I called her one day so I wouldn't hurt my kid. I understand. God puts people in your life to help you through whatever is going on.